There were reports of people doing cocaine at the Towers at Centennial Square on Feb. 13. When officers responded and made contact with the tenants — who probably had to pause “Scarface” to respond to the knocks on the door — the tenants complied with officers to search their room.
The Swamp wasn’t there in person, but we have to assume the conversation between the students and officers went something like this:
“Open up! SFPD!” the officer demanded.
“Whoa, sup?” the chillbro tenant responded while wearing a Bob Marley T-shirt.
“We have reports of cocaine being used on the premises, mind if we search your dorm?” the officer asked.
“Bro, there’s no coke in here. Come on in!” the chillbro said, confident in his decision-making abilities.
Officers were unable to find a usable amount of cocaine at the Ivory Tower, but stumbled upon a decent amount of marijuana (probably directly under a “One Love” poster) during their search. According to the University’s crime report, there was a citation for just under 28.5 grams of that sticky icky.
“Hey, we said you could search our house for cocaine! You said nothing about marijuana!” the tenant probably said while wiping tears from his eyes.
Don’t let me be a stickler though. I’m all about a quick “pick me up” when re-reading my syllabus to check whether or not I’m allowed to plagiarize the essay I’m up late writing. But in a situation where C is not for cookie, that paper you wrote defending dubstep as music (it’s not) and why “YOLO” justifies people being stupid, coke just might not cut it. If we have learned anything from Rick James, Charlie Sheen, Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston, it’s that students should probably just be responsible and use Adderall — not coke.